Today I am 10 days sober. This is a huge deal for me since I’m fairly sure I haven’t hit double digits since 2016.
A lot of shit led me to this point, specifically my life quickly unravelled. I went from a secret daytime drinker with bottles stashed all over the house, in a constant numb state with hugely questionable hygenine, to being “outed” by my husband. He told my family, everyone was very upset etc etc. So the big web of lies I’d so carefully constructed for months was ripped apart in a very short space of time.
I’m not at home and haven’t been for a couple of weeks. I’m staying somewhere where I can break habits and learn to live again, sober.
With sobriety, comes a lot of good, but don’t get me wrong, I get angry most days that my secret little fucked up world was disrupted and ruined, even though it was killing me and fast.
When I rolled up to this new location, I looked like a sack of ghost-shit, couldn’t form many sentences and was just physically and emotionally fucked. I’d been living off corner shop piss and dry Jacobs crackers so no guesses as to how fabulous I looked.
So far it has been really hard. I’m eating a lot more, going to daily meetings, my sponsor is great and I’m even showering daily. But feeling things is a bit of a fucking shock. I am happy, proud, angry, resentful and craving a drink all at the same time.
One ongoing worry for me is my relationship. I’m just scared and worried as to what is going to happen and that manifests as straight up “well this sucks and it is all my fault”. I go from 0-60 on the guilt scale in 0.2 seconds.
All I can do is keep my side of the street clean, work my programme and fucking continue. For now that means eating dinner, going to a meeting, sharing, helping clear up and then going to bed. And that’s enough, just as it is.