For the past year or so, my self-esteem has been eroded thanks to the harm I was causing myself through addiction which made me feel more ashamed, which led to more using. For months I have been numb to the point where few things seem to affect me, emotionally. However, the other day something unexpected happened – I got angry and sassy.
Someone close to me was behaving in a way that wasn’t useful to either of us and had been doing so for a while and I went from 0 to 60 on the sass-ometer. I didn’t get angry or shout or anything, but I simply stated that I was sober, I was doing my best, and that’s all I can do and I refuse to feel ashamed anymore since it’s not helpful to anyone and that I will not be told I’m a piece of shit anymore, whether it’s said directly or hinted at.
I didn’t flee the scene immediately after my little outburst, but I did reach out to my friends online (amazing people) and called my sponsor who, as always, had fantastic advice involving at least three instances of “for fuck’s sake, babe!”
Since that event, things have been a lot better at home. I feel like I took some control back and stopped being a victim of the past, my bullshit thinking and suddenly gave zero fucks about certain things. For me, step one, admitting I’m powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable has been incredibly empowering. It finally takes alcohol off the table for me and I can’t escape through the back door; in other words, I’ve finally quietened the thinking (at least right now) that one day I can have a drink or that I don’t really have a problem. That thinking has been going on for seven years and it’s clearly not worked.
I went to a group last night through my rehab centre and it was actually filled with people trying to moderate, not stop. I felt a bit out of place but it was interesting hearing other points of view. One person said to me, “Well once you’re happy and sorted out, there’s no reason why you can’t have a drink again and not be so extreme” and I didn’t get that rush of “Yay an excuse, someone else is justifying it for me!” I instead felt tetchy and wanted to tell them to fuck off. Needless to say, I’m still somewhat irritable in sobriety haha.