I’m Betty and I’m an addict. I’m in long term recovery from drugs and short term (as in, two fucking days) from alcohol. I am 29 years old.
A key thing to note for me is how it has sped up. I should have nipped it in the bud in 2010, but instead I bought alcohol into my home and it’s been downhill since then. I would never try to attribute all my problems to alcohol but fuck me, it’s a big factor.
The reason I’ve redoubled my efforts this time and signed up for a rehab programme (I signed up a week ago) is because I’ve essentially lost that thread which tells me who I am, my confidence, my self-esteem…whatever voice that once got me to AA initially and said “you’re worth recovery” has been covered by a whole lot more drink.
Up till the other day, I had five days sober. I was sober because I wanted my husband to stop being angry with me over my drinking. Needless to say, when I went to my first class at the rehab centre and all these bullshit feelings were exposed, I cracked and the words “And tomorrow we’ll go over how to deal with these feelings” left me high and dry. I couldn’t wait till tomorrow considering all I was left with was myself and a vague sense of why I was in recovery which incidentally, had nothing to do with myself.
People are angry with me for using and not talking to me which is absolutely what I deserve, however I also know that my shitty self-image and the awful things I tell myself are a big problem and have been for many years and I don’t want to be caught in this addiction cycle anymore. It’s exhausting, confusing and it’s the ultimate state of ambivalence.
I’m at another class today, at an AA meeting and meeting up with my sponsor. Yay.